Something for me

It's been hard for me to be out of work for so long.  I've worked since I was 16.  I loved my job in Denver but quit last February to follow my heart to Houston.  This brought on a new set of personal issues.  I value my independence.  As easy as Glen makes it, I hate being so vulnerable and reliant on someone else financially.  I've also realized that as much as I tried to make nursing a small part of my life (3 days a week, can't beat that!), it really is a big part of who I am.  I love nursing.  I love every single dirty, wonderful, thankless part of it.  I'm a nurturer at heart.  If there's someone in need, I want to be there.  Maybe it's not all so altruistic...after all...it makes me feel good about myself...that at least I tried in some small way to make the world a better place, however insignificant that may be.


With the hassle of job availability, lack of the Hindi language, work visas etc., I have yet to find a nursing job here.  But I feel like my brain is going to mush and I need some mental stimulation.  So I decided to gear my search towards volunteering.  I found a Mother Teresa orphanage in Delhi so I went to check it out.  I walked in fully expecting to see a bunch of doe-eyed, cute, parentless kids...arms out-stretched for a much needed hug.  Instead, I found myself in one of the most emotionally challenging situations I have ever put myself in.  Turns out this particular orphanage houses severely mentally and/or physically handicapped kids.  Arms were outstretched only if they had them.  Some of these sweet kids didn't have eyes or were polydactyl.  Their bodies malformed with their heads cocked off to one side.  Many of them didn't have much control over their motor movement.  Severe lack of speech.  It was gut wrenching.  Still, I signed up for it so I sat down to play with some of the kids.  There was a peg board on which you had to put the correct colored shapes on the correct color pegs.  Akeel, the first boy I played with was a rockstar at it.  He couldn't speak and had use of only one arm but boy, he knew if I put the wrong shape on the wrong peg.  He would immediately take it off and put it in it's right spot.  He was so smart given his limited capabilities.  You could see it in him.  I (for reasons I don't know) started making airplane sounds when lifting the shapes to make them 'land' on the peg board.  He found this quite amusing and started mimicking the noise I made.  Then he would giggle....which brought relief to my heart.  He could feel and show emotion.  Unlike a baby girl I later held, who lay there lifeless in my arms.  Her eyes wouldn't track...she would just gaze off...to who knows where.  It was a sad day.  A humbling day.  I have to be honest and say that I'm not sure how often I will be back, if I will be back at all.  I'm doing some personal reflection on if I can handle it emotionally.  I'd hate to start up in these kids lives only to disappear because I can't cope.  They don't need that.


On a lighter note, I found a yoga studio that I love.  What better place to practice yoga than in India?  I've only been to 3 classes and am still sore after each and every one of them.  Yoga kicks my ass.  But it also provides me with a center.  The first day I couldn't focus because all I heard was the honking cars outside.  Surprisingly on the 2nd and 3rd days I was so focused on my breathing and my posture that I forgot honking was even going on.  This gives me hope because I need to learn to meditate and clear my mind.  It's physically difficult but I find that if you really breathe through it properly it is energizing by the end of the class.  Favorite position?  Corpse pose.  That's what gets me through the class is looking forward to the end.  I also love my sweet Indian yoga instructor Bindiya.


So now I have a few things to do besides play 'housewife'!  Not that I don't like that role.  I love baking chocolate cakes and carrot cakes!  A fulfilled Jenn is a happy Jenn.  And I'm pretty sure that a happy Jenn makes a happy Glen.  =)